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| 08:47pm 04/11/2009 |
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The thing that scares me most about learning so many new things every day is that it makes yesterdays seem so insignificant in comparison.
I love this. All of it. |
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| All the good men are dead. |
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| 06:13pm 27/10/2009 |
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Few days ago, I finished Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. Yesterday, I got his semi-memoir, "Man Without a Country," from the library. I'm in awe. I cannot believe this man has been off my radar for so long. I can't help but compose a series of quotes from him, both for safekeeping and to share them with my friends.
"Can I tell you the truth? I mean, this isn't the TV news, is it? Here's what I think the truth is: We are all addicts of fossil fuels in a state of denial. And like so many addicts about to face cold turkey, our leaders are now committing violent crimes to get what little is left of what we're hooked on."
"No matter how corrupt, greedy, and heartless our government, our corporations, our media, and our religious and charitable institutions may become, the music will still be wonderful."
"Foreigners love us for our jazz. And they don't hate us for our purported liberty and justice for all. They hate us now for our arrogance."
"The biggest truth to face now - what is probably making me unfunny now for the remainder of my life - is that I don't think people give a damn whether the planet goes or not...I know very few people who are dreaming of a world for their grandchildren."
"By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many lifeless bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas."
"...do you know why I think George Bush is so pissed off at Arabs? They brought us algebra...You think Arabs are dumb? Try doing long division with Roman numerals."
"We humanists try to behave as decently, as fairly, and as honorably as we can without any expectation of rewards or punishments in an afterlife."
"I say of Jesus, as all humanists do, "If what he said is good, and so much of it is absolutely beautiful, what does it matter if he was God or not?"
"Our leaders are sick of all the solid information that has been dumped on humanity by research and scholarship and investigative reporting. They think that the whole country is sick of it, and they could be right. It isn't the gold standard they want to put us back on...They want to put us back on the snake-oil standard.
Millions spent on public health are inflationary.
That's correct.
Billions spent on weapons will bring inflation down.
That's correct.
...
The more hydrogen warheads we have, all set to go off at a moment's notice, the safer humanity is and the better off the world will be that our grandchildren inherit."
"In case you haven't noticed, our unelected leaders have dehumanized millions and millions of human beings simply because of their religion and race. We wound 'em and kill 'em and torture 'em and imprison 'em all we want."
"My last words? Life is no way to treat an animal, now even a mouse."
"Doesn't anything socialistic make you want to throw up? Like great public schools, or health insurance for all?"
"Our daily news sources, newspapers and TV, are now so craven, so unvigilant on behalf of the American people, so uninformative, that only in books do we learn what's really going on."
To be continued, once I finish the book. |
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| 02:01am 13/10/2009 |
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Few days ago, I put my two weeks in at Target. My last day will be on October 23rd. I start my new job on campus on the 21st. I will be working 20 hours a week, only until 5 o'clock, weekends off. As money will from now on take a very low priority in my life, I will become a human being even happier than I am now, and will actively pursue my passions while figuring out ways to get paid for them.
I have compiled a list of things to do with my newly acquired free time:
~ Make films and submit them to festivals.
~ Write daily.
~ Learn to play the guitar.
~ Party like a college student should.
~ Join some clubs at the campus, especially the Film Club, and possibly the new Creative Writer Alliance.
~ Make some more films.
~ Publish some written work.
~ Enjoy the little things, such as the beach, sushi, and quiet afternoons at Barnes and Noble.
~ Pursue happiness, at all times, without compromising. Many think I am crazy for quitting a job that paid so well to work 20 hours/week for minimum wage, but what I am doing essentially is accepting a job that will pay my bills while giving me enough time to do the things that truly matter without making me miserable. If staying at a job that kills you a little bit on the inside every single day for money is "the responsible thing to do," then I will proudly indulge in my irresponsibility for the rest of my happy, meaningful life.
I like my list. |
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| Herein lies the dilemma... |
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| 01:07am 15/09/2009 |
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I really hate my job.
I used to love it, back in Sarasota - it was a good, challenging job, and I was surrounded by fantastic people all around. The bosses were great for the most part, and the ones who weren't kept quiet in their offices and let us run the store. We were all very close to each other and made work exciting.
This Orlando Target is a horrendous, embarrassing disaster. Most of the execs are useless, and what more, they insist on constantly coming to us (who actually know what the hell we're doing) and tell us how to do things differently, you know, in the inefficient, idiotic, inconvenient way. They are rude, unpleasant, mean, and have absolutely no compassion for any of the fellow employees. The store manager is an unethical asshole...I can't even write on here what he does to blackmail people into doing what he wants them to do.
The regular Team Members are all very nice people, which makes this even worse - I feel SO sorry for them, especially for the ones who have to quietly suffer because they're afraid they wouldn't be able to find another job. I, however, am ready to call it quits already. I was absolutely determined to quit a week ago, but now, of course, a shadow of doubt has crept upon my mind, and I am thinking about it further. I would like to summarize the internal struggle I'm dealing with right now.
I get a lot of money from my scholarships, enough to cover rent and bills. If I quit, I will have to cut down significantly on my 'fun' costs - I could still go out once in a while and all that, but I wouldn't be able to spoil myself like I do now. Okay, whatever, it's worth it to not be miserable at work all the time, small sacrifice. After all, why should I stay at a job if it makes me miserable? I know that in the U.S, somehow, the opinion prevails that one should put up with a shit job if the shit job pays well. Screw that, my friends. Moving on - the benefits of quitting would be numerous. First, I wouldn't be unhappy. Second, I would have much more time to pour into school. Cool. Third, most important reason perhaps - I could really get my butt into filmmaking. I could get a crew and a cast together for one of my bigger films. I could scrounge around, work on other people's films, and do some hardcore networking. I could devote a lot of my time to writing. Perhaps I could even obtain an internship somewhere (I know how small the chance of that is, but hell, crazier things had happened to me). I could really just not work for six months and advance myself in what I really want to do. Sounds excellent. Oh, and another thing - if I work, I will be able to only come to Sarasota for maybe one or two days during Christmas, because I'm sure I would be scheduled to work all the freaking time. So basically, my Christmas would consist of being by myself in the apartment, since the roommies will go to their families, and working. Sounds suicidal.
Of course, now we are off to the negatives. The most obvious is the loss of steady income - I do make a thousand bucks a month, and it counts. I would have to touch the scholarship money, which I was hoping to save to have after school ends. Now, my plan was actually find a new job next year, sometime between March and May - something closer to where I live, so I don't have to drive for half an hour, something with nicer people that won't take so much out of me. Then, my income would start up again. Problem 1 - my pay will be significantly lower. Two - it might take hell of a longer time to find a job. Its about luck, mostly. I could search for a week and find something, or I could be looking for a year and not even get an interview. And being without a job for that long would mean just using up all of that scholarship money, and coming out of college with no savings...Now, I know that I'm supposed to come out of college with a big debt, not savings, but I just wanted to do it differently! I suppose that coming out with no savings nor debt would be okay. I was just excited about being all "Wassup, you owe 40,000 bucks while I saved up 10,000 bucks, in yo' face mr. Business Major," but I suppose that I could deal.
My job is stopping me from aggressively going forward. I could be volunteering, trying to get internships, being more actively involved on campus, making freaking films, just doing the whole college thing, but instead I spend 30 hours a week at a job I know I won't keep past college that does nothing to enrich me as a person. All it does is pour a lot of money into my savings account. That money has been my security blanket for so long...For the past four years, I've been working my butt off to never have to worry about finances. Maybe it's time to let go. Maybe I need to trash the fucking blanket and run around naked. Take my risks.
Maybe I'm too young to let this tie me down. Maybe I'm going against my very beliefs, my absolute, firm need for freedom and independence.
Or maybe I'm being an irresponsible jackass.
I have two choices:
1. I stay at the job, stay unhappy, spend most of Christmas break in Orlando alone, have less time for school and related activities, and have no time to make films. However, I keep scholarship money. I will come out of college with a lot in savings that I will be able to invest in anything I want. I keep health insurance and all that shit.
2. I quit the job, and gain much more time for school, socializing, filmmaking, and living the college experience. I will get to spend Christmas in Sarasota with the people who have become a second family to me. Next year, I will look for a job - maybe I will succeed, maybe not. I will have to use my scholarship money, and I won't get to save up - if worst comes to worst, I might even have to take on a school loan to help myself out. I would get to take on some internships, and make connections in the fields I actually hold interest in. I will really have to tighten up my finances. No health insurance.
If anybody wants to give me any feedback, please feel free. I would really appreciate some guidance, because I never had any. My parents arent around to tell me what's the right thing to do, and they're too far to understand it all. It's all me. |
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| Today, I went job hunting |
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| 09:47pm 04/09/2009 |
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It was a rather interesting experience.
First, I went into Starbucks. As soon as I walked in, the two Barista (ahaha) girls integrated me into their conversation, asking my opinion about Megan Fox. As soon as we got through that topic, we started talking about my tattoo (side note: people love my tattoo, that makes me happy! =) as a line formed behind me. Finally, I ordered my iced tea, and asked whether they were hiring...To my disappointment, they said no. Supposedly there is a Starbucks hiring twenty minutes down the road, but I'd really rather get a job closer, especially in this traffic. Anyway, I talked to one of the girls some more, and then left.
My next stop was Best Buy. Of course, the kids at the customer service desk had no idea whether they were hiring or not, so they said "no". As I was talking to the guy, he suddenly became short of breath, as if he was having a panic attack or something. It was weird...Then this girl stood right next to him, and stared at my tattoo for the entire time we carried our conversation...Anyway, nothing good at Best Buy, but I did apply online a few days ago, so we'll see. I might stop by there again and actually see a manager next time.
My next stop was Regal Cinemas 20, and Barney's coffee. Regal told me that they might hire one or two more people, so I applied as soon as I got home. The girl at Barney's told me that they just hired a bunch of people....What the hell??? It was August! Who the hell hires people in August? Anyway, I wasn't that interested in Barney's anyway.
My last stop was Barnes and Noble...As I picked up the application, I saw a friend from UCF working there! Lucky bastard. He was jobless just three months ago, and now suddenly he has an awesome job at a freaking bookstore. I'd give anything to be able to work at a bookstore.
Anyway, I dropped off my application there, saw some kids get arrested, and left.
I'm loathing going to work tomorrow. Honestly, my life would be amazing right now if it weren't for my job...And it's such a shame, because I used to love working for Target. But this shitty ass place is a miserable little dump...It takes a lot to prevent myself from quitting every time. I know that as soon as someone pisses me off, I'm walking out. It's sort of liberating, knowing that I could be without a job for a while without having to worry about money...Of course, there is the small chance that I wouldn't find a job for a long time.
Eh.
If I quit Target and couldn't find anything, I'd actually have time to try to get into some film projects around here...There is a lot of ads for crew members on Craiglist, maybe I could just dive into that.
We'll see, I guess.
As I said, except for the job situation, I feel amazing about life. =)
(well, mayhaps I'm a bit lonely, but I've committed enough 'whinery' for one post) |
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| 06:02pm 15/08/2009 |
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I can't believe I made it here.
The sweat and tears and changes and empty hours have paid off, and I can do anything
There is nothing that can stop me but myself.
At the risk of sounding cocky...I'm so proud of myself.
I've worked so hard to get to this point, and I will work just as hard to get to the next one.
I'm have the pleasure of knowing some of the most fantastic people on this Earth. I'm surrounded by greatness, kindness, and infinite possibilities.
It was all worth it. |
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| I need counseling |
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| 04:49pm 11/08/2009 |
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I started working at a new Target yesterday. It's okay. The people are really nice, but the store sucks - it's old, dirty, and ruled by complete, utter chaos. No one knows their place, no one really seems to be aware of their job description, everyone just seems to improvise, and, well, it's all a big mess.
I'm slowly starting to realize that I can't do this anymore. It's not a sudden realization, it's been creeping up on me slowly...I really don't like my job. It's tedious, stressful, and painfully pointless. What made it bearable at my old store were the people, because my job gave me an excuse to hang out with them. I don't have that anymore. I don't want this anymore. I need something different.
I'm giving this job three months. If I still feel like this then, I'm gonna look for something else. Something little...Closer to who I am and what I want out of life. I'll take a pay cut if I have to. It doesn't matter. I want to be happy.
As if I didn't have enough on my mind already, I started seriously considering applying to the UCF film school. Being able to do nothing but study film production for the next three years seems quite tempting. Of course, it would mean I would have to stay in Florida longer than I intended, and I wouldn't get to study writing. The reason I chose the English major in the first place was to practice my writing and storytelling skills, and also to have back up while I try to get my film career off the ground.
I really don't quite know what to do. Getting that degree in film would result in me getting crapload of experience, making contacts for the future and having top notch equipment to shoot short films with while I'm in school. Getting that degree in English would make me a better writer than I have ever been, and also give me more flexibility in my future endeavors.
Getting that film degree would mean that I will have to succeed in that field, because there will be no other option for me. However, I'd be working directly toward my biggest dream.
Getting that English degree would mean distancing myself slightly from my biggest dream, but it would give me more flexibility in my future endeavors, in case things don't go the way I plan them to.
What the hell do I do. |
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| Our new apartment |
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| 12:24pm 30/07/2009 |
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Is quite fantastic. Sure, there are a couple of things that still need fixing, but compared to the apartments I've lived in before, this is paradise.
I really don't understand the reviews this place had on the internet...Supposedly there were thugs hanging out everywhere, the apartments were horrible and old, etc...First, I've yet to see a 'thug' around here, unless we are counting little kids wearing saggy pants, and I'm not really that afraid of them. Second, the apartments are extremely nice looking. Lesson learned - don't let internet reviews discourage you!
Of course, I'm extremely excited about exploring the city (oh, the city!!!), and school starting in few weeks! =D
So far we've mostly hung out around the apartment and unpacked, but I believe that I am ready to go out and start exploring.
I finally live in a big city again.
No more little Sarasota, where most fun a person can have is at the movies.
! =D
Fellow Orlandonians, hang out with us and show us the magic!!! |
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| Break from packing |
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| 02:28pm 24/07/2009 |
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Pick your artist:
Green Day
Are you a male or female:
"Pretty Handsome Awkward"
Describe yourself:
"Hard to Say"
How do you feel:
"Paralyzed"
Describe where you currently live:
"Slit your own Throat"
If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
"Greener with the Scenery"
Your favorite form of transportation:
"Tunnel"
Your best friend is:
"Blue and Yellow"
You and your best friends are:
"All That I've Got"
What's the weather like:
"I Caught Fire"
If your life were a TV show, what would it be called:
"Light with a Sharpened Edge"
What is life to you:
"Find a Way"
Your last relationship:
"Poetic Tragedy"
Your Current Relationship:
"On my Own"
Your fear:
"Buried Myself Alive"
What is the best advice you have to give:
"Sun Comes Up"
Thought for the day:
"Earthquake"
How I would like to die:
"Smother Me"
My soul's present condition:
"Maybe Memories"
My motto:
"Sometimes I Just Go For It" |
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| Security |
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| 12:45pm 24/07/2009 |
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If I wanted to, I wouldn't have to work more than 10 hours a week while in Orlando.
The scholarship money I will have left over would cover my rent and bills, I would only have to pay for food and gas.
But I'm going to be a good boy, and save all that money up for when I get out of school and need to finance my films, get a car, move to a different state, etc.
It just feels good to have that security. =) |
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| Kitties, bouncy balls and Eternal Search for Eternity |
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| 11:56pm 11/07/2009 |
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Some of us are so painfully pretentious.
Redundant.
Self-confident with nothing to offer.
The ones who study life, but have no conclusions of their own.
The ones with several conclusions, but no knowledge at base.
The ones who consider themselves gods amongst men, yet their followers spit at hearing their very name.
What happened to being humble?
Confident within one's own mind, but open to anything and everything.
Being accepting.
When did 'acting like a pig' become a manly trait?
When did ignorance become a meal of choice?
Our civilization holds its roots in the culture of Ancient Greece...Their way of thinking became our way of thinking.
Yet, the more chance to develop through technological progress we gain, the more we stray away from virtues.
Our population is divided into slugs, fat and greedy consumers by choice, worst scum of human kind as far as your humble narrator is concerned.
And a group of pretentious, self-absorbed aspiring intellectuals, who believe that intellect is definite and has a price tag on it.
And, well, then there are the ones who just want to know.
Learn and teach. Teach by learning, and vice versa.
I just want to know.
Is there anybody else of my kind out there?
Goddamn, we seem to be dying out. |
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| 10:49am 03/07/2009 |
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Oh hai!
You know what's a great thing to wake up to?
Checking your bank account and finding out that your father finally sent you the 1,000 dollars worth of child support for the past year. =D
It can only be matched by morning sex.
Bai! |
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| 10:39am 03/07/2009 |
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We have been approved for the apartment, and we shall be moving in between the 26th and 30th of July. I am beyond excited, but also feel very strange...My mom is gonna leave the country on the 5th of August, and I will be leaving behind the only city I lived in so far in the U.S. I'm gonna miss the friends I have known and worked with for 4 to 6 years. I'm even gonna miss this shitty little town. A little bit.
So I suppose now it's gonna be all about reserving a U-Haul, obtaining loads of boxes, and packing. Moving is annoying, but this time, it will be more than worth it.
470, here we come. ;) |
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| 11:42am 02/07/2009 |
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Goals for next summer:
1. Spend a week in San Francisco
2. Spend a couple of days in Seattle (only a couple of days because I'll have to pay for a hotel)
3. Decide where I'm going to live after college...The two cities above are my two main points of interest.
Seattle is a little ahead in the race right now, just because they have a growing indie film industry there to which I would love to contribute.
Of course, San Francisco has the sunny days and close proximity to L.A., hence makes it easy to find an experienced crew.
On the other hand, to find a job related to my major while I simultaneously make my first films, I would be better off in Seattle, since it has a big publishing industry.
Hmmmm. |
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| 06:12pm 30/06/2009 |
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Here is my problem.
About two weeks ago, I wanted to take a closer look at how bad the crime in Orlando is.
Found out how bad it is.
And now I feel like I'm going insane.
I've never really been concerned for myself. Death doesn't scare me, neither does pain. But now I am moving out with three good friends, two of which are females, and I cannot shake off my paranoia.
I spent all day today thinking about it.
I shouldn't. We are moving into a good area, and crime happens randomly. It can happen to anyone anywhere. But I just cannot stop thinking about it.
My mind is consumed with paranoia. I can barely sleep.
I owe most of my worries to a little website on which some Orlando residents decided to tell the worst things about the crime in the city.
I wish I could listen to my friends who live there, none of which had ever had any sort of experience with violent crime, as far as I know.
I really need some sort of liberation, because I AM going crazy, and I DO feel terrible.
Couple of days ago, when I was trying to fall asleep and couldn't, I even contemplated whether it was actually a good decision to go there.
And all of this really fucking sucks, because I was as excited as a little kid to move up there and enjoy all of the wonderful things it has to offer.
Now, all I think about is the safety of my friends.
Help? |
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| 12:30am 24/06/2009 |
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It's absolutely gorgeous outside.
The sky lights up in three second intervals. The wind is so strong it seeps through my front door. The rain is unstoppable.
I like to be reminded what an incredible force I am a part of.
Nature can crush a life faster than it gives.
I think I'll sleep well tonight. |
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| 10:43am 21/06/2009 |
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The past week has been filled with adventure.
On Monday we went apartment hunting to Orlando, and found a great place at which we applied right away. Now, we eagerly await their answer!
On Friday, Kristalita had her UCF orientation, and I had my interview at the Orlando Target. It's small, nice, clean, and adorable! I really liked the store, everyone seemed really nice, although, of course, they could never replace the people I'm working with now. Anyway, they went through the whole interview booklet with me, asking me every single question as if I were some sort of noob, but I embraced it, nailed it, and got 'hired'! Afterwards, Luz and I found a movie theater, realized there was nothing good playing, found a Barned and Noble, and read graphic novels while poor Kristal went through her gruesome orientation.
Orlando list:
School. Check.
Job. Check.
Apartment. Pending.
Getting psyched. Aww yeah.
Time flies by so quickly. Just yesterday, I was anxious to go to college. Now I'm done with MCC AND Sarasota, a moment I thought of as a distant dream. Now up to Orlando, and I know that UCF will be over just as quickly.
And then. Oh gawd. Life. Noez! Yes. Life.
When we are young, we are always just working up to our dreams...How does it feel to come to that defining moment, when all the 'working up' is done, and we come to the make or break point, where the dream can actually come true?
I'll make it count. |
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| 11:26am 11/06/2009 |
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I seem to have screwed up my left wrist in my sleep, somehow. It hurts to type and drive. I have to open the toothpaste tube with my right. And I definitely can't lift weights, which sucks, because I get self-conscious when I don't work out for a while.
Ugh. What the hell??? |
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| 10:09am 04/06/2009 |
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Gods, some people just NEVER learn.
In other news, who wants to work for me? I will collect the money, of course. xD |
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| On Creativity and New Horizons |
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| 12:30am 02/06/2009 |
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Since I finished MCC, it has become much easier for me to write and come up with ideas. Of course, the fact that I have free time during the summer has a lot to do with it, but I have a feeling that I am approaching the time when I will be ready to truly allow my art to take over my life. I am more careless about Target each day, and I will be seeking a new job that is more related to what I do and what makes me happy as soon as this economic slump improves. Orlando has the largest entertainment industry in the state of Florida, and I have no doubt that I will find something.
I'm beyond excited about my career at UCF - my goals are to take big part of their literary magazine, the Cypress Dome, and get my works published in it. I will also be taking as many film classes as possible to meet as many fellow filmmakers as I can. At MCC, I neglected to take bigger part in the Creative Writing scene, and the film department is, with all due respect, a disaster. UCF will give me an opportunity to become more focused in my fields.
Of course, the biggest goal of all for me is getting out of retail. Four years have been more than enough, I need change, different environment. I will take the transfer to the Orlando Target just to keep the cash flowing in for some time longer, but I am in need of a different solution. So that is my project for the upcoming year - finding a job I enjoy just a little more. It's okay if I get a little less money. I'm done chasing paper. Money has been the last thing on my mind lately, and I couldn't be happier. Currency is a tool, not a destination.
So, those are some of my many thoughts regarding the big step I am about to take. I inquired about three houses in Orlando today, hopefully the renters will get back to me soon.
Entering a whole new chapter. I'm excited. |
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